For years I hid the words: chaos, questions and mess, behind my cheerful demeanor. Only those closest to me would have guessed how I perceived myself. I was a busy mom keeping up with 3 kids schedules and desperately wanting to look like I had my “stuff’ together.
Some days I did. I could make stuff happen, but I also spiraled mentally. I got all wound up inside wondering if I had done enough, showed up enough, or cleaned up enough. Most people viewed me as an energizer bunny with long lasting batteries.
For me, getting things done came at a cost. As my energy drained, my kids and husband got the short end of my patient stick. In other words the more I got done the more I snapped at them. I didn’t know how to explain the mental gymnastics of wanting “everyone”, and I mean literally everyone, to be pleased with my choices. So my family were the first to see my mental chaos, worry and mess.
Maybe you can relate? Maybe you were like me or you lived with someone like me.
I want you to know that I’m still finding better balance at 61. I’m learning it’s not about achieving perfection, but rather trusting the Perfect One to work in and through me. That meant I had to learn to “let go” of what I often thought was most important.
Too much energy went into a verbal phone battle with a person who couldn’t change the outcome anyway. I snapped at my family instead of saying things nicely. I was telling my kids to do what I say, but not modeling it. What a mess!
I don’t know about you, for me chaos, questions, and messes seem to show up together.
David, my favorite Psalmist, knew about chaos, questions and messes first hand. He didn’t just experience them – he made some of them happen! I’m sure that isn’t what he wanted people to know about him.
Psalm 31:7 ”I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul.”
I lean on those words often. Written by the guy who knew a lot about messes and chaos. David who battled lions, giants, kings, nations, lust, and adultery, also lived with the agony of consequences, the joy of repentance and the mercy of renewed hope in God. David knew God saw him in his chaos, knew him in his questions, and loved him in the middle of his mess. He was “a man after God’s own heart.”
That gives me great hope and helps me let go of my striving and keeping up.
I hope you are also learning how completely you are Seen, Known and Loved my friend!
P.S. If David could be seen in his chaos and loved in his mess — so can you.
Twice a month, Yellow Boots Wisdom brings honest encouragement for the woman still trying to “keep it together” — no perfection required, just truth and grace, one letter at a time.